As a progressive millennial, I usually find myself taking Ava’s side in the Ava vs. Deborah debates. But when Deborah had a classic anxiety nightmare — teeth tumbling out, naked (but HOT) onstage before an audience full of snarky Kathys — and realized the reason she was spinning out was that she had nothing to wear for her Madison Square Garden show, I felt VERY represented. It’s a fashion emergency! How is she supposed to visualize her successful set without the perfect outfit?

It was already a rough night for Ava, who could not, as Deborah did, contentedly fall back asleep post-Deborah-screaming-episode. But Ava’s day takes an even worse turn when she gets hit by a SELF-DRIVING CAR!! Wowowowow what the HELL. Yet another of my nightmares! Urgent care tells her she’s got a hairline fracture and that she’ll need a lift home; Deborah claims to be unavailable because she’s at Miraval in Arizona, but Ava quickly finds out that this is a lie due to a call from Merrill Markoe, who reports that she spotted Deborah running a red light in Beverly Hills. Confused and frustrated that Deborah would lie to her, Ava finds another way home through her Vicodin haze (hopefully NOT a Waymo).

Deborah has summoned Diana, a psychic, to help her decide what to wear to MSG. Yes, I love this!! A tarot card reading leads Deborah to the six of cups, which means the past… vintage! “You’re wearing white, Deb, and you look like an angel. Slacks and sparkles up the WAZOO.” Deborah and Diana are both seeing the same iconic look: Carol Burnett’s outfit from her final show, designed by THE Bob Mackie! (I think you can see it at the 1:14 mark in this video?) Naturally, Deborah has Bob in her contacts, but Bob can’t help her out; if he does, one favor will lead to another and another, “and the next thing you know, Sabrina Carpenter is outside my door with a sewing machine and a gun.” Alas, the jumpsuit Deborah seeks was donated to a charity auction and won by Kelly Killpatrick (Cherry Jones), who hates Deborah for the admittedly hateworthy crime of having been homophobic and cruel when Kelly came out.

It’s not Deborah’s first rodeo; she has an “apology booth” at Spagos and has Damien book her a lunch. Her charm offensive is not nearly enough to undo her actually-offensive behavior, though, and it seems like Kelly only took the lunch to delight in being a bitch to the woman who was once so bitchy to her. That is, until Ava pops by to (1) fangirl over Kelly, a queer icon, and (2) inadvertently act so much like Deborah’s girlfriend that Kelly assumes Deborah is gay! This swiftly escalates into an invitation for two to Montecito — famously the beautiful home of Meghan Markle’s Ever After Formerly Known American Riviera Orchard — for a weekend away with Kelly and her Mrs. The things Deborah will do for fashion!

Sticking to the theme of not being honest with the woman who literally just called her her best/only friend, Deborah ropes Ava into this trip under false pretenses. I was impressed by how quickly Ava not only got with the program but found all the opportunities to make it work for her by Uno-reversing the power dynamic with her usually indomitable boss. I did love the way Deborah speedily revealed the bit at the last possible second. Before Ava can protest, the door swings open, and Monica (Leslie Bibb, because all my recaps are connected! Her cunty bob is really cuntily bobbing!) greets them with her widest smile.

Hilariously, Deborah insists that her fake relationship with Ava is monogamous and Ava is not allowed to flirt with Monica. Too proud to share anyone’s attention, even though that would have given them one less thing to lie about! Somehow, Ava still has not wised up to her boss’s financial situation and only asks for $1,000 to keep the ruse going. For a minute, I wondered if we’re going to get a romance novel single-bed trope, but instead, Ava is rudely told to sleep in the bathtub.

Aside from exiling her underling to the tub, Deborah quickly discovers she has basically no control over this situation, as Ava torments her by committing so hard to the bit (including a romantic-revisionist retelling of the events of the series premiere, when they first met… awww!) that they end up MAKING OUT ON THE COUCH. I will be honest: I am not one of the fans who has been dying for these two to kiss, but I know that there are fans among you who have been clamoring for this day, and I am happy your fandom was serviced.

At first, I thought Monica knew something was up and was torturing Ava just to get her to break. But evidently, Monica is just very fun, horny, and hot for redheads. Meanwhile, Deborah’s retrograde attitudes about sexuality are so deeply ingrained that she can’t even plausibly pass as gay for approximately 24 hours. As the night escalates — everybody strips and slips into the hot tub — and Ava pushes Deborah (regaling the other gals with graphic descriptions of their fake sex life; brazenly flirting with Monica), Deborah gets angrier and angrier. Once they’re alone, Deborah lashes out at Ava, but Ava screams right back: She knows Deborah’s been lying to her.

Against the most tried and true couple’s advice, they try to go to bed angry. I feel like the sleep-in-the-tub situation is so excessive and unnecessary! Literally just share a king bed platonically like normal people?! Not that we’re dealing with normal people, but doesn’t Deborah usually sleep with two dogs? Unsurprisingly, Ava finds herself up in the middle of the night and wandering into the kitchen, where she stumbles on Monica, who is just sexily midnight-snacking on strawberries and cream, as one does. Ava, oh my GOD, just hook up with Monica! Your relationship with Deborah is a SHAM. Live your life!!!!! Just as Ava is about to listen to my counsel, Deborah walks in. Boo!!!

Deborah and Ava yell about their fake relationship back in their room when Monica and Kelly interrupt. They just want Ava to like, blink twice if she’s not feeling safe. “How’d you really break your arm?” asks Kelly. “A driverless car with no witnesses?” Because of their dysfunctional, overly-intimate dynamic, even this almost-honest argument does not out Ava and Deborah as fake partners. It all still scans as classic couple territory to the hosts, who advise them to revisit this in the morning with “regulated nervous systems.” On the bright side, this gets Ava out of the tub and onto the bed.

Is there a little bit of romance in any intense platonic relationship, just like how (in theory, at least) romantic partners are also supposed to be best friends beneath their attraction? Kelly’s morning-after counsel to Ava is almost perfectly applicable, despite the fact that her facts are all wrong: It is true that Ava is not fully over Deborah’s past betrayals and her oversharing is “a symptom of this distrust.” “The people we love are often fundamentally different from us,” Kelly advises, and yes, then she goes on to say that more intense orgasms await those who accept this truth, but other than that, I feel like she’s right on the money for these two.

Ava finds Deborah and apologizes for being so pushy about Deborah’s lie, which Deborah admits was to cover up that she was having a medical procedure; she only kept it from Ava so Ava wouldn’t worry. Once more, I cannot tell if I’m just going squishy-hearted in the home stretch of our series. At an earlier time, I would have chalked this up to Deborah’s refusal to be vulnerable or show weakness to any other person. But in the moment that really got me!!

In the immortal words of Hilary Duff, Ava and Deborah decide to come clean. Tragically, this means the end of their relationship and probably eliminates even the outside possibility that Monica would ever have sex with Ava… tough break (on top of the broken arm, woof). Tail between her legs, Deborah tells Kelly that she has been living a lie to get that Carol Burnett jumpsuit, “because my physic told me I had to.” Incredibly, Kelly and Monica refuse to accept that Deborah is straight — it’s so obvious there is something MORE going on between her and Ava!! — but hey, at least one thing is coming out of the closet this weekend: The jumpsuit is Deborah’s to keep.